I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
