I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
