my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
