You smell like a Billy Joel song
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
