i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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