Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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