He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
