Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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