Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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