I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
