Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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