I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
