i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
