When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
that's an acceptable place to lick
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
