u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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