i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
