So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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