Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
