I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
