my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
