I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
someone owes me an orgasm
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
