I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i think i have two assholes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
