Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
