Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
