ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
