And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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