Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
