They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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