I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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