Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
