If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
