Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
