how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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