I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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