i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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