Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize