Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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