I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
