Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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