alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
