well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
