You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
