my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
