She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
