your thong is hanging out like whoa
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
