I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Pooping to opera.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
