I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fuck me I smell like cheese
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
