you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You are the jesus of drinking
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
