Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
