If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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