my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
