just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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