Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
