Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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