the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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