the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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