I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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