I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
