i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
