Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
