life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My bed is full of blood and feathers
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
